steal me

I'm too stubborn and proud for my own good. I need help. I need support. I need hugs. however, I can't seem to ask anyone for those things. I realize that by doing so I'm not admitting any faults or failures or shortcomings, I'm merely being a human who feels and wants and needs. I could use a friend or two, although that seems nearly impossible. why I seem to struggle so much to voice those things is beyond me. perhaps it's because what screws me up most in life is the picture in my head of how it is supposed to be. if you call me up and you ask me how I am, I'll say that I'm fine. don't believe me. I need someone who will challenge me. I need someone to bend me until I break. I need to burn down fully so that I can rise back up from the ashes. all I want is to say that I'm okay and mean it.

it's the bare necessities.

earlier I had a pretty dismal post up, but then I had an epiphany of sorts. Joe is away until tomorrow evening, and while I surely miss his cuddles, I have a whole new kind to appreciate. maybe I don't get to be wrapped in big, strong arms alongside of his warm body, but my heart feels full just the same. every evening between 12 and 1, L wakes up for her last nursing of the night. usually I dread this feeding because I'm beyond exhausted and I just want to be in my bed fulfilling my role as little spoon until I get too warm and roll over onto my preferred sleeping position. (what can I say, I'm a stomach sleeper through and through!) tonight is different, yet nothing has changed. L is nursing, letting out sleepy coos from time to time. her one hand explores, grazing my stomach with the occasional pat or tug. her other tiny hand searches until it finds mine and she chooses a finger and wraps hers around it. during this particular feeding we lay down so she associates it with bedtime, which is where my absolute favorite part comes into play. because she is so tired, she just wants to skip playtime, eat, and fall asleep. while she's nursing and even once she falls asleep, she nuzzles her little body into mine, as closely as she can get. when she's in a position that suits her, she lets out a sweet little sigh. I don't know why I didn't realize it before, but it's times like these that remind me what life is all about.

mirrorrim

it's been awhile. looking back on my old posts, I'm a bit nostalgic. when I read some of them I want to transport back to my past self and use some choice words and perhaps divvy out a few head slaps. some of the things I wrote seem so silly, some stupid, some irrational, all relevant to who I was at that point in time. even though now I can see the humor in them all, I can also remember why I wrote them, why I felt that way, why I was the way I was. I've never been one to keep a diary, so I tell myself, yet that is what a blog is. I know now that I'm writing again I'll bullshit myself with my usual mantra of "I'm going to write regularly this time" although I'm fairly certain I won't. I could also make that my New Year's Resolution, but that holds no real weight when it comes to my dedication. whether I hold true to consistently posting or not, the fact of the matter is that I will still sporadically post, and that always proves to provide me with great satisfaction later on down the road. posting everyday or every year, this blog never ceases to remind me of the magic writing can bring. reading all of those posts prior to this evokes so many feelings and memories, things that I wouldn't be aware of if I hadn't taken a few minutes to virtually jot them down. I'm thankful for that. here's to you, twenty-twelve, don't let me down or, rather, I'll do my best to not let you down. cheers.

blatant disregard.

I'm dead weight. I feel so many things, both right and wrong, and I'm becoming incapable of doing the one thing I've always done best: following my heart. Here I am, squished next to a sleeping boy, watching him nap and recover from a motorcycle accident, every exhalation further crushing the left portion of my rib cage. Yet I don't move, because I don't want to wake the only boy I've ever loved...and hated. I've never felt so vulnerable, powerless. I've never met anybody capable of bringing so much joy and so much pain into my life...except my father. Growing up in an abusive household, varying from physical to verbal to emotional to psychological, I vowed to myself that I would never be with a man who in any way resembled my father, the scheming, manipulative bastard that he is. I lied. Quite some time ago I was on top of the world with Rob, until he shoved me off so he could have it all to himself. In that time, I made a new friend, a best friend. He treated me better than any man ever has and I broke his heart. I have never felt that kind of instantaneous warmth, protection, love. For the first time in my life I felt needed, wanted, desired. With each passing glance, every breath, text, touch, I felt something inside of me ignite, almost as if my soul was begging me to let it escape, let it unite. Then the accident happened. I stayed in the hospital overnight, never leaving my boyfriend's side. I cared and cried and doted and nursed. I bent over backwards. Now, more than ever, I poured everything into my relationship. I had my heart broken once and I never allowed it to be possessed until now, and at first I thought that decision was for the best, then the sting of the crash wore off and the Oxycodon ran out. Here I sit, watching his chest inflate and deflate, waiting for a change. All I want is a little reciprocation, and the one chance I had at that I blew. I knew I had broken one heart, I'm starting to think that I broke two.

close your eyes

I don't want to be in college anymore. I'm not sure I ever really wanted to be in college, I just wanted to get away, to escape. Here I am, at HACC, still rotting in the house that's been suffocating me for years. I stopped breathing years ago, I'd like to remember how it feels when my lungs expand. Somebody pull the plug thats keeping me alive. Don't worry about my sanity, that bitch is long gone.